I've tried to improve. I exercise and eat nutritious foods, but none of it seems to make any sort of difference, because I'm also not willing to give up the delicious foods that I love. Thus I'm forever trapped in a state of "Not bad shape, but could be doing a lot better."
Lately I've felt a lot better about my situation however, ever since I discovered an amusing little website called This Is Why You're Fat. The website is essentially a giant compilation of images of bizarre concoctions that dare to call itself food, created by insane, power-mad human beings who fancy themselves gourmet chefs.
Whenever I'm feeling slightly guilty about enjoying a bowl of Goldfish or a Cheesesteak, or any of the other numerous comfort foods to distract me from the fact that I'm still stuck in Fitchburg, Massachusetts, I have this site queued up. It gives me a good feeling. It makes me think: "Well...I'm pretty badly off, but at least I'll never reach THAT level of insanity."
While occasionally I run into pictures of food that look pretty darn good, the majority of what's posted is nearly enough to make me swear off food altogether.
Thus I present this Top-Ten list here, compiling 10 pictures of food that I feel disprove the existence of a benevolent God, as no just and loving creator would allow it's creation to craft something so horrendous and baffling.
This article should be considered a case study in what happens when the human mind can fathom when left unattended for long hours at a time.
Ready?
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10. Lemonhead BreadThis item, and in fact everything on the website as a whole, is a testament to the American Dream. If you have an idea then you can make it happen...note that nowhere does it say whether you should, though.
It's those brilliant ideas that give us pancakes wrapped around sausages, sandwiches with more meat instead of bread, and this thing here, clearly made to compete in the burgeoning "stuff stuffed in other stuff" market.
I imagine some blame needs to be leveled for the inspiration for this at the first person to put M&Ms in Rice Krispie Treats, or marshmallows in Jell-O. Those worked...This doesn't. For one thing, Lemonheads are a hard and firm candy, not unlike jawbreakers. Doesn't necessarily go hand in hand with a loaf of bread.
Just look at it. It has all the aesthetic pleasure of a set of crayons melting on a sidewalk.
This is far from being the worst item on the site, but it's a good indicator of what twisted minds are actively at work in our country.
Here we have the manliest bouquet of flowers in recorded history. You don't even get to have any real stems or leaves to munch on in a fevered attempt at getting roughage. It's literally just bacon and plastic in a glass jug.
What I'll say about this food item is at least it's being honest.
Take a good look at it. Sure, it's all prettied up with a vase like a real bouquet of flowers, but it's not fooling anybody. You're getting several strips of bacon that have been rolled up to look like meaty cinnamon rolls.
Uh-oh...I'd better shut up before someone gets ideas from that.
It's an enormous grilled cheese sandwich. It's got three slices of grilled bread, thirteen different cheeses, and it weighs five pounds.
It's not the most bizarre item on this list, being that it is, as mentioned before: a giant grilled cheese sandwich. I include it here for two reasons anyway.
The first being the presentation. While most everything else on the website at least looks edible or pleasing to the eye, this image genuinely disgusted me. Would you want to eat that? I wouldn't. If you do, just how do you plan to? A fork and knife isn't going to cut it. Hell, I'm not even entirely sure a spoon will. You might need a straw in some places.
Secondly: THIRTEEN DIFFERENT CHEESES?? (Cottage cheese among them, for that matter?? Gross.)
If ever you'd like to know how thirteen different cheeses might taste in your mouth, here's a good way to find out. Take every single mp3 you might have in your desktop, load them all at once in different windows, and play them all at the same time.
Imagine that deluge of noise is food.
Imagine it in your mouth.
Disturbed yet?
Here's a great idea. Every time you see an item on the website that adds bacon to something where there previously was no bacon, take a shot. It shows up so often that it turns the evening into a fun little party game, and a great way to rid yourself of that pesky liver.
I used to like Pizza Rolls a lot when I was in High School. Whenever there was some in the freezer back home I'd immediately dive for it. Pepperoni was my favorite flavor. Now they don't necessarily sit well in my college-aged stomach.
That's why it's so damn hard to look at this. I keep thinking of my upset stomach from eating them regularly, only now it's multiplied by the barrier of swine flesh that cocoons it.
On the website it doesn't specify what kind of Pizza Rolls are meant to be used, which I don't recommend thinking too heavily about, as your appetite will promptly commit suicide imagining bacon wrapped around...shudder...Taco Pizza Rolls...
Let me introduce you to the Luther. It was created in Decatur, Georgia, (Because there's nothing to do in the South except one-up each other with disturbing food creations.) was named after soul singer, Luther Vandross, and is a bacon cheeseburger with two halves of a glazed doughnut replacing the bun.
Now imagine that applied to the KFC Double Down, which is already a unearthly creation on it's own.
The mind reels.
Don't believe the lie in the title of this dish. The only thing remotely Italian about this dish is that the filling (BBQ'd rib meat, mashed potatoes, sour cream, bacon, and chives) are stuffed inside of raviolis.
After you've covered it in jalapeños, cheese, bacon, and green onions, and made it look like a batch of Wisconsin Nachos, I'm pretty sure you don't get to call it Italian anymore.
You know what I think when I hear the words Italian and Cook-out? Barbecued chicken, Italian-style. Not this aberration, which appears to be cooking on an indoor grill. (Oopsie.)
........It's....it's a mug....
.....Filled with cheddar cheese...
......And.....and it's made entirely....out of bacon...
...................
Let's move on, shall we?
In case you were still feeling invulnerable after looking at an ENTIRE STEIN MADE OUT OF BACON, I give you this. A Taco Bell Cheesy Double Beef Burrito stuffed into a sausage log. Wrapped in bacon, naturally.
Nobody on the face of the Earth has the digestive tract for this sort of thing. You do not so much eat this melange of various acids, so much as endure it. It's like something a parent gives to their child to whip them into shape.
I recommend this foodstuff only as a weapon. When the xenomorphs finally make their way to Earth, toss this into the mouth of the queen. She will drop like a depression-era stock broker.
US history jokes.
Whee.
2. The Dr. PhilLooking at this otherworldly creation, the Taco Town skit from SNL comes to mind. You know, the one that parodies Mexican restaurant dishes that are basically dishes stuffed into other dishes?
This isn't funny however, because it actually exists.
A chipotle burrito stuffed with rice, pinto beans, chicken, tomato salsa, corn, sour cream, guacamole, cheese, and lettuce. Not bad so far, right? It pretty much just sounds like a taco that's too damn big...until you wrap it inside of a cheese pizza which itself is topped with tomato salsa, corn chips, curly fries, and jalapeños, garnished with sticks of almond and chocolate Pocky.
Everything about this dish disturbs me, and not just because it has the same problem as The Melt Challenge. (In that it looks repulsive.) It raises so many questions in my mind.
How on Earth did someone come up with this specific combination of foods? Did they take a bunch of ideas from out of a hat? Why didn't they decide to haphazardly put bacon in it like every other dish? Why is it named after Dr. Phil??
Why?
WHY?
WHY???
Moving on...
When I first saw this...thing...on the website, my jaw dropped without even having read the ingredients list.
I mean...wow. Look at this thing. Without even seeing it in person you can tell that it's bad for you. I'm glad I'm sitting down, because I swear that just looking at this thing is giving me cardiac arrhythmia.
Here's the ingredients list from the website itself. Ready? Deep breath now...
Four types of sausage, bratwurst, chorizo, ground beef, ground pork, diced ham, Canadian bacon, pepperoni, hickory smoked bacon, hot cappy, queso blanco, provolone and sharp cheddar, wrapped in sausage, bacon and cheese ball dough and baked. Then decorated with American, cheddar squeeze cheese and bacon strips!
I can't begin to imagine what this thing could possibly taste like, but I imagine it's a hallucinogenic experience. One bite out of this abomination will send you to another plane of existence, akin to tripping on acid, or reaching the pinnacle of transcendental meditation.
It'll seem like that, but don't be fooled...it's just a mirage brought on by the octuple bypass you just had from merely taking a whiff of this beast.
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And now, to close this article up, for those of you who are clearly insane, and haven't had enough of bacon from this article, I present to you something I have deemed too insane for this list, as I have trouble believing it even exists. I present to you a sandwich for people who like BLTs, but aren't too keen on the whole LT portion of it.
Ready?
Wow.
Just....
Just wow...
